And The Night Has A Thousand Eyes

So, somebody noticed my tits last night.

Yeah.

See, normally I wear the undershirts for my ACUs and my PT shirts one size too large. This makes them baggy enough to disguise the development on my chest, but not quite so large as to make me not look properly squared away. It's a fine system. Weirdly, my chest is more noticeable female looking when I'm wearing a shirt than then I'm topless or going to the shower or something. Most of the time I pass for just being a little bit of a PT stud, a dude who really loves his push-ups.

See, after I enlisted, I soon got in the habit of doing push-ups whenever I was nervous or stress. Of all my silly little self-soothing habit, none do me quite so much good as the push-ups. If you can max out you push-ups on the PT Test, nobody's going to give you trouble about having larger than normal pectorals, even if they do happen to look slightly more boob-like than standard. It's a good thing.

But yesterday I needed to do laundry, and I was in a hurry, and well, the only clean undershirt I had quickly on hand was an old one that was a little small. Wore it all day, no problem. Got released for the day, when back to hootch, and got on the computer to work on writing something. I'd taken the ACU blouse off, 'cause you know, I was done for the day, and wasn't really worrying about the fact that in a tight t-shirt I, uh, I present a somewhat different figure than the one I do in a looser shirt.

One of my roommates comes in the door, looks at me, and says, “Oh shit, <Combat Queer's> got titties.”

And we all laughed.

I didn't blush, or curse or anything. I laughed and smiled sarcastically, shook my head, and kinda pantomimed a push-ups.

My roommate smiled and went about his business.

There wasn't anything else to it.

But oh man, I'm glad I'm off hormones. If I were any less passable as a man, well, I might be in some real trouble. It's really hard being off hormones, because really, I worked very hard to get on them in the first place. It is a little bit ridiculous, the amount of time and energy it takes to even take the smallest step toward transition. Everything I did that help move me to toward being a normally passable female, everything tended to be unpleasantly difficult and deeply meaningful to me.

It has hurt giving all that up for a while, putting it on hold until I finally get to leave the uniform behind.

But dear reader, I've got to put off the trans stuff until it's over. These people in the unit, they aren't stupid. They've got eyes. Maybe I've already gone too far, maybe I've fucked myself a little. All I can do now, I guess, is avoid going any further. For the next year and change, I can't move a pinky toward transition.

Fuck.

Comments

[whatsername]

Hey CQ, I've been reading for a little while now and just wanted to send you a virtual hug. I'm sorry you've had to halt and reverse your transition just to serve, it's not right.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[Thene]

*crosses fingers* Stay safe.

[Thel]

Also sending good thoughts your way.